Crazy stuff

Oneliners 

If you don't like how things are, change it! You're not a tree. ~Jim Rohn

Always remember you're unique just like everyone else.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

------------------------------------------------------------
Generations 
The Silent generation, people

Born before 1946. 

The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and

1959. 

Generation X , people born between

1960 and 1979. 

Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 1995. 

why do we call the last one generation Y? 


I Did not know, but a caricaturist explains it eloquently below...Learn Something new! 

------------------------------------------------------

Days off

I urgently needed a few days off  from a company I work for in Auckland but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought  that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a  few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker, (who's an Aussie),  asked me what I was doing?
I told him that I was pretending to be a  light bulb so that the Boss  would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few  days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked  "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said,  "You are clearly stressed out, go home and recuperate for a couple of  days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my  co-worker, (the Aussie) followed me, the  Boss asked him "...And where do you think you're going?"
The Aussie said,  "I'm going home too mate.... Can't work in  the dark..

Country Music ( Dean Perrett )

A while ago I was looking for some music that stuck a chord with me, & being a fairly fussy person when it comes to music it wasn't easy.

What I wanted was aussie country music, but not just country style music, I wanted the bush music. 

To tell the truth I wasn't even sure if there was such a thing.... 

But while hunting on the net I found the website www.countrymusic.com.au  & after going through everyone listed there....I found it...much to my surprise!!!  

At first I thought I guess I just stuck a good song, but I checked it out a bit more & after looking at the website, googling the artist & searching you-tube, 

I found 3 videos, filmed at a country music muster not far from where I live, 

I could hardly believe what I was listening to... it was just what I wanted!!! 

So after a week or two of deliberating over it, I bit the bullet & sent the order away for those albums...

Got them the other day, and turned on the player...and after playing every album, I'll tell you just what I really think.... 

Some songs are based on the Australian history of those who opened this land & settled the first cattle stations, or legends like Clancy. 

While others are about cattle farming, mustering, trucking, old mates, or about this beautiful country in which we live. 

Something I noticed about these albums, is the background music, while it is similar each song is very much it own individual. Which I like, for if you are busy or have something on your mind, you can tune out a bit & still really enjoy it...Very nice background music too!!!! Well done Mate...

I know that I certainly would not hesitate to purchase Dean Perretts music again...

If you like dinkum aussie bush music....you aren't going to get better than Dean's music, he sings with the aussie lingo, about what he knows and lives, & you can hear that ringing true in every song.  Quite a few are written / or co-written by Dean, they are excellent...& those that aren't, are very well chosen... www.deanperrett.com  

This music is outstanding!!!

Can I say more???

By a very proud & happy owner...

Some Funny pic's that I've picked from emails ect

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Are You Getting The Maximum Use Out Of Your Vehicle?

 

 

 

 

 

 

That Was Our Husky Dog

That Was Our Husky Dog 

He was the best friend and mate anyone could have.                

Always there and ready to share in anything that was going on,  

Weather it was right or wrong he was there,                              

Never did he make a song, even when he was a-wronged.
                That was our Husky Dog

Not much was known about his breed, golden head,white tummy,
Black back and flanks, But what is breed and color,when your smart?
Sleep in the shade; sleep in the sun and all-ways ready for lots of fun.
And anyone just you dare to come in here
And you'll soon find that you have me to fear
            It was our Husky Dog

Never more to race the farm while chasing the hawks, 

Or making chook's squawk, while his owner played with other toys,
Sometimes scaring salesman & electricity boys,

As he sneaked round their heels 

           It was our Husky Dog

Never had he known a drop of shame
Never was he known by any type of fame
Now all that’s left is what memory’s can frame
Just one step unjudged and a-miss...
Sent him on to un-known Bliss...
           That was our Husky Dog 

These were a few words I put together, when we lost Husky in 07, he was just
7 yo, still miss him.

Don't Sell Australia Out!

When the shearing sheds are silent and the stock camps fallen quiet

When the gidgee coals no longer glow across the outback night

And the bush is forced to hang a sign, '. Gone broke and won't be back'

And spirits fear to find a way beyond the beaten track

When harvesters stand derelict upon the wind swept plains

And brave hearts pin their hopes no more on chance of loving rains

When a hundred outback settlements are ghost towns overnight

When we've lost the drive and heart we had to once more see us right

When 'Pioneer' means a stereo and 'Digger' some backhoe

And the 'Outback' is behind the house. there's nowhere else to go

And 'Anzac' is a biscuit brand and probably foreign owned

And education really means brainwashed and neatly cloned

When you have to bake a loaf of bread to make a decent crust

And our heritage once enshrined in gold is crumbling to dust

And old folk pay their camping fees on land for which they fought

And fishing is a great escape; this is until you're caught

When you see our kids with Yankee caps and resentment in their eyes

And the soaring crime and hopeless hearts is no longer a surprise

When the name of RM Williams is a yuppie clothing brand

And not a product of our heritage that grew off the land

When offering a hand makes people think you'll amputate

And two dogs meeting in the street is what you call a 'Mate'

When 'Political Correctness' has replaced all common sense

When you're forced to see it their way, there's no sitting on the fence

Yes one day you might find yourself an outcast in this land

Perhaps your heart will tell you then, ' I should have made a stand'

Just go and ask the farmers that should remove all doubt

Then join the swelling ranks who say, 'don't sell Australia out'


copied from an email

Did I read that sign right?

Did I read that sign right? 
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT 

In a London department store: 
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS 

In an office: 
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD 

Outside a secondhand shop: 
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? 

Notice in health food shop window: 
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so) 
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR 

Notice in a farmer's field: 
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. 

Message on a leaflet: 
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door: 
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


copied from a forum

Rural Aussie Lingo (In the days before computers)

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What hold's the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing end's up when the pegs aren't strong enough.


copied from a forum

The Great Aussie Life

(Just a few  jokes/stories that I've collected over the time  ---Enjoy, Gumtree )


1 The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm. 
2 The shorter the nickname, the more they like you. 
3 Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery , there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4 There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce. 
5 On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. 
6 Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate. 
7 The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags. (Sausages)
8 It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold. 
9 If it can't be fixed with pliers & fencing wire, it's not worth fixing. 
10 The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying. 
11 Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for. 
12 The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
-------------------------------------------

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

----------------------------------------

Only in Australia....can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Australian tourist Q&A

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.......... 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK). 
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking. 
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks(Sweden)? 
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. 
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of? 
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. 
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in themiddle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. 
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. 
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. 
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. 
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right? 
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. 
Milk is illegal. 
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. 
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. 
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. 
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas. 
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. 

Overseas readers, We do have a few poisonousness snakes in Au, but we do not have rattlesnakes

Rules of Rural Queensland

Rules of Rural Queensland 
ARE AS FOLLOWS 
Listen up City Slickers ! 
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked. 
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road...' I drive a ute because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 
4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Pacific Highway goes to New South Wales and the Newell Highway goes the same way and continues to Victoria. Pick one. 
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in rural Queensland waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 
7. If that mobile phone rings while a mob of big Kangaroos or wild pigs are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 
8. Yes, we eat steak and chips, chops and chips and sausage and chips and they DO come with BBQ or Tomato sauce. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of hunting season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & chicken. 
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and tomato sauce. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Canberra call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! 
13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. 
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 
15. The local League and High School Football is as important here as the Storm and the Roosters, and more fun to watch.
16. Yes, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it scares the fish.
17. Church schools? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Private Universities , Community Colleges, and TAFE Colleges. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
18. We have a whole ton of our finest youngsters in the Army, Navy and Air Force. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.
20. 2 inches of rain isn't a monsoon - it's a blessing... Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This isn't Melbourne, worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The creeks and rivers will be down again in a few hours. If not the SES  will come and get you


copied from a forum