Heightened Security Alerts

(Got a grin out of this one, enjoy!) The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "B****y Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "B****y Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. The Scots raised their threat level from "P*****d Off" to "Let's get the B******ds" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels . The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case, and waiting for Obama to declare that the United States is no longer a Christian nation but a Muslem nation on welfare to the Chinese. South African government is excited about joining them to see what they can steal or take over to further support their majority non-working class. They have raised their security alert from "What's in it for my group" to "What's in it for me". New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia and the United States will come and rescue us". Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Few jokes I found today

Watch your temper, Because you never know what someone will say...it could be embarrassing!!!

Tower/Cockpit Shenanigans

Who says pilots and controllers have no sense of humor? Following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline and control towers from around the world:

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale, made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming, "US Air 2771, where are you going?. I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxi way; you turned right on "Delta". Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right."
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??"

The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".

Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.

Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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ANAGRAMS
An anagram is a word or phrase made by or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. All the below are exceptionally clever. Someone out there has much too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
Dormitory
Dirty Room


Desperation
A Rope Ends It


The Morse Code
Here come Dots


Slot Machines
Cash Lost in 'em


Animosity
Is No Amity


Mother-in-law
Woman Hitler


Snooze Alarms
Alas! No More Z's


Alec Guinness
Genuine Class


Semolina
Is No Meal


The Public Art Galleries
Large Picture Halls, I Bet


A Decimal Point
I'm a Dot in Place


The Earthquakes
That Queer Shake


Eleven plus two
Twelve plus one


Contradiction
Accord not in it


Astronomer
Moon Starer


Year Two Thousand
A Year To Shut Down
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Bumper Snickers..................

The Earth Is Full - Go Home

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

If Progress Means To Move Forward, What Does Congress Mean?

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

Illiterate? Write For Help

Honk If Anything Falls Off

He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

Dyslexics Of The World - Untie!

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

And Finally...
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
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While driving their car in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an
Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense
of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand
printed sign...
Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.

Mother Taught Me

My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

(disclaimer....I did not write this, & nor is it a slant against mothers)

In honour

This is kinda crazy, but I put this together, 
In honour of the birth of a mates foal.


To Apple 

No longer does you owner wait 
In the night’s so dark & cold

No longer do you, my stubborn girl,
Hold that much awaited foal! 

You had a colt so strong and bold,
With his coat of rich bay-gold.

He made many a watcher hold their breath,
an then whisper softly, the word sold!

But his owner answered, Nay not yet.
For he hasn't been to see the vet!

So while we wait impatently, 
Just to see what he will be,

We Congratulate you Epona!
I'm guessing that you're a proud owner!!!

Author: Shazza J