You Might Be A Farmer If

Your dog rides in the truck more than your wife 

You have driven off the road while examining your neighbour's crops

You have used a chainsaw to remodel your house 

You have buried a dog and cried like a baby

You have borrowed gravel from the country road to fill potholes in your 

driveway

You always look when a vehicle passes your house, even at night

You have used something other than paper as toilet paper 

You have animals living in buildings more expensive than your house

Your family instantly becomes silent when the weather comes on the news 

You don't bother to clean up the dog's mess because it's just fertilizer, and the dog knows to stay out of your way

Your husband drives a friend home from the bar when he only lives 3 houses away 

You have enough caps to match every shirt you own, but you only wear one so you don't get the others dirty 

You convince your wife that an overnight, out of State trip for parts is a vacation

You've never thrown away a 5 gallon bucket 

You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house

You have used baling twine or barbed wire to attach a license plate 

You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate, and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday

You have used a tractor with a loader as scaffolding for painting or roof repairs 

You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment

You've used the same knife to make bull calves into steers and peel apples 

You wave at every vehicle whether you know them or not

Your wife agrees to observe Mother's Day after the beans are planted 

Over 50% of your clothing came from feed or seed dealers

You give directions to your farm by using area landmarks, not road names or number 

You refer to farms by who owned them 50 or more years ago

You've been stopped by the cops for a cluttered dashboard 

Family weddings and special events are planned around spring planting and fall harvest

The rusted out areas of your truck are sealed off with old tee-shirts or duct tape

You can eat an ear of sweet corn with no utensils in under 20 seconds 

You can tell the difference between the smell of a piggery and the smell of a feed-lot

The meaning of true love is that you'll pose for a picture with both him and his favourite tractor 

The meaning of true love is that you'll ride in the tractor with him

You know you should listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit

You know cow pies aren't made of beef 

Your excuse for getting out of school is that the cows got out

You can tell it's a farmer working late in the field, know who it is, what they're doing, and not think it's a UFO 

Your nearest neighbour is in the next parish, and you know what a parish is 

When you were little, you got into a fight with another kid on school bus arguing over the colour of tractors 

Your other vehicle is a tractor

If you were given $1,000,000.00 you would keep right on farming. 

You'd farm differently, but you'd keep farming because that is who and what you are

Metric?????

A farmer goes into a store to buy chicken wire.....

Farmer: I'd like 10 yards of chicken wire.

Clerk: Haven't you heard? We've gone metric. We sell things by the meter now, not the yard.

Farmer: (Thinks about it) OK, I'd like 10 meters of chicken wire.

Clerk: Right. Is that with the half-inch or quarter-inch holes?

Farmers Wisdom

A wise old farmer went to town to buy a new pickup truck that he saw

advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the

salesman which truck he wanted, they set down to do the paperwork.

The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer

declared "This isn't the price I saw!". The salesman went on to tell

the old wise farmer how he was getting extras such as power steering,

power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that was what

took the price up. The farmer, needing the truck badly, paid the

price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My

son is in 4- H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for

sale?"

The farmer replied, "Yes, I have a few cows I would sell for $500

apiece, Come and look at them and take your pick". The salesman said

he and his son would be right out.

After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's

cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out

a check for $500.

The farmer said------"Now wait a minute, that's not the final price

of the cow, you're getting extras with it and you have to pay for

that too".

"What extras?" asked the salesman.

Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of

the cow,,,,,,,,,,

BASIC COW............$500.00 Two-tone exterior.........$45.00 Extra

stomach............$75.00 Product storing equipment.........$60.00

Straw compartment.....$120.00

4 spigots @$10 ea.......$40.00 Leather upholstery......$125.00 Dual

horns...................$45.00 Automatic fly swatter .$38.00

Fertilizer attachment......$185.00


GRAND TOTAL $1,233.00

Nope....Never a dull moment in Queensland :)

Never Give Up

You have not failed....until you'v failed to try.

Officials rejected a candidate for a news broadcasters post
since his voice was not fit for a news broadcaster.
He was also told that with his obnoxiously long name,
he would never be famous. He is
Amitabh Bachchan.
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In 1962, four nervous young musicians played their first record audition
for the executives of the Decca Recording Company.
The executives were not impressed. While turning down this group of musicians,
one executive said, “We don’t like their sound. Groups of guitars are
on the way out.”
The group was called
The Beatles.
----------------------------------------------------------

In 1944, Emmeline Snively, director of the Blue Book Modeling Agency
told modeling hopeful Norma Jean Baker,
“You’d better learn secretarial work or else get married”.
She went on and became
Marilyn Monroe.
-----------------------------------------------------

In 1954, Jimmy Denny, manager of the Grand Ole Opry,
fired a singer after one performance. He told him,
“You ain’t goin’ nowhere son. You ought to go back to drivin’ a truck”.
He went on to become
Elvis Presley.
--------------------------------------------

A small boy–the fifth amongst seven siblings of a poor father,
was selling newspapers in a small village to earn his living.
He was not exceptionally smart at school but was
fascinated by
religion and rockets.
The first rocket he built crashed. A missile that he built crashed
multiple times
and he was made a butt of ridicule.
He is the person to have scripted the Space
Odyssey of India
single-handedly. He is
Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam. President of India.
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When
Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone in 1876,
it did not ring off the hook with calls from potential backers.
After making a demonstration call, President Rutherford Hayes said,
“That’s an amazing invention, but who would ever want to see one of them?”
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When
Thomas Edison invented the light bulb,
he tried over 2000 experiments before he got it to work.
A young reporter asked him how it felt to fail so many times.
He said, “I never failed once. I invented the light bulb.
It just happened to be a 2000-step process”.
----------------------------------------------------

In the 1940s, another young inventor named
Chester Carlson
took his idea to 20 corporations, including some of the biggest in
the country.
They all turned him down. In 1947, after 7 long years of rejections,
he finally got a tiny company in Rochester, NY, the Haloid Company,
to purchase the rights to his invention–an electrostatic
paper-copying process.
Haloid became
Xerox Corporation.
-----------------------------------------------------

A little girl–the 20th of 22 children,
was born prematurely and her survival was doubtful. When she was 4 years old,
she contracted double pneumonia and scarlet fever,
which left her with aparalyzed left leg.
At age 9, she removed the metal leg brace she had been dependent on
and began to
walk without it. By 13 she had developed a rhythmic walk,
which doctors said was a miracle. That same year she decided to become a runner.
She entered a race and came in last. For the next few years every
race she entered,
she came in last.
Everyone told her to quit, but she kept on running. One day she
actually won a race.
And then another. From then on she won every race she entered.
Eventually this little girl–
Wilma Rudolph, went on to win three Olympic gold medals.
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A schoolteacher scolded a boy for not paying attention to
his mathematics
and for not being able to solve simple problems.
She told him that you would not become anybody in life.
The boy was
Albert Einstein
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“To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did”