Nope....Never a dull moment in Queensland :)

Telemarketers

(This is a interesting joke/story I found recently.... Tempted try something like this one of these days :d)

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer.

I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this: (swallowing)

Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested," but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate." I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Is this AT & T?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT&T: (click)

------------------------------------------------------------

( Not sure when this was written as some of the figures are not real correct. however...)

Andy Rooney's Tips For Telemarketers: Three Little Words That Work !!

(1)The three little words are: "Hold on, Please..."

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time togo back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task. These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Since doing this, my phone calls have decreased dramatically.

(3) Another Good Idea: When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before! the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas. Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!

Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their own junk back in the mail.

Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea !

If enough people follow these tips, it will work---- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

I bet you can't!!!

Count every "F" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)





HOW MANY ARE THERE?






...................... 3?







WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke. READ IT AGAIN !


The reasoning behind is described as follows.


The brain cannot process "OF".

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!

Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius. Three is normal, four is quite rare.

Send this to your friends. It will drive them crazy.! And keep them occupied for several minutes..!

Windmills?

In 1999 when I was working as a tourguide driving a bus full of backpackers through the Gulf from Cairns to Darwin a young pommie bloke asked me about the windmills that we saw like above. I told him that as Australia, and especially the outback where we were at the time, was too hot for the European cows, the farmer would on hot summer days turn on the fan for his cows so they could come and cool down. And what do you know, this guy believed me!

(I found this on the net...)

Heightened Security Alerts

(Got a grin out of this one, enjoy!) The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "B****y Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "B****y Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. The Scots raised their threat level from "P*****d Off" to "Let's get the B******ds" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels . The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case, and waiting for Obama to declare that the United States is no longer a Christian nation but a Muslem nation on welfare to the Chinese. South African government is excited about joining them to see what they can steal or take over to further support their majority non-working class. They have raised their security alert from "What's in it for my group" to "What's in it for me". New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia and the United States will come and rescue us". Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Few jokes I found today

Watch your temper, Because you never know what someone will say...it could be embarrassing!!!

Tower/Cockpit Shenanigans

Who says pilots and controllers have no sense of humor? Following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline and control towers from around the world:

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale, made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming, "US Air 2771, where are you going?. I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxi way; you turned right on "Delta". Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right."
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??"

The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".

Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.

Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
__________________
ANAGRAMS
An anagram is a word or phrase made by or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. All the below are exceptionally clever. Someone out there has much too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
Dormitory
Dirty Room


Desperation
A Rope Ends It


The Morse Code
Here come Dots


Slot Machines
Cash Lost in 'em


Animosity
Is No Amity


Mother-in-law
Woman Hitler


Snooze Alarms
Alas! No More Z's


Alec Guinness
Genuine Class


Semolina
Is No Meal


The Public Art Galleries
Large Picture Halls, I Bet


A Decimal Point
I'm a Dot in Place


The Earthquakes
That Queer Shake


Eleven plus two
Twelve plus one


Contradiction
Accord not in it


Astronomer
Moon Starer


Year Two Thousand
A Year To Shut Down
_______________
Bumper Snickers..................

The Earth Is Full - Go Home

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

If Progress Means To Move Forward, What Does Congress Mean?

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

Illiterate? Write For Help

Honk If Anything Falls Off

He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

Dyslexics Of The World - Untie!

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

And Finally...
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
______
While driving their car in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an
Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense
of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand
printed sign...
Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.

Mother Taught Me

My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

(disclaimer....I did not write this, & nor is it a slant against mothers)

Crazy stuff

Oneliners 

If you don't like how things are, change it! You're not a tree. ~Jim Rohn

Always remember you're unique just like everyone else.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

------------------------------------------------------------
Generations 
The Silent generation, people

Born before 1946. 

The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and

1959. 

Generation X , people born between

1960 and 1979. 

Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 1995. 

why do we call the last one generation Y? 


I Did not know, but a caricaturist explains it eloquently below...Learn Something new! 

------------------------------------------------------

Days off

I urgently needed a few days off  from a company I work for in Auckland but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought  that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a  few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker, (who's an Aussie),  asked me what I was doing?
I told him that I was pretending to be a  light bulb so that the Boss  would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few  days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked  "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said,  "You are clearly stressed out, go home and recuperate for a couple of  days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my  co-worker, (the Aussie) followed me, the  Boss asked him "...And where do you think you're going?"
The Aussie said,  "I'm going home too mate.... Can't work in  the dark..

Some Funny pic's that I've picked from emails ect

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Are You Getting The Maximum Use Out Of Your Vehicle?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did I read that sign right?

Did I read that sign right? 
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT 

In a London department store: 
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS 

In an office: 
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD 

Outside a secondhand shop: 
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? 

Notice in health food shop window: 
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so) 
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR 

Notice in a farmer's field: 
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. 

Message on a leaflet: 
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door: 
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


copied from a forum

Rural Aussie Lingo (In the days before computers)

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What hold's the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing end's up when the pegs aren't strong enough.


copied from a forum

The Great Aussie Life

(Just a few  jokes/stories that I've collected over the time  ---Enjoy, Gumtree )


1 The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm. 
2 The shorter the nickname, the more they like you. 
3 Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery , there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4 There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce. 
5 On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. 
6 Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate. 
7 The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags. (Sausages)
8 It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold. 
9 If it can't be fixed with pliers & fencing wire, it's not worth fixing. 
10 The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying. 
11 Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for. 
12 The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
-------------------------------------------

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

----------------------------------------

Only in Australia....can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Australian tourist Q&A

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.......... 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK). 
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking. 
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks(Sweden)? 
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. 
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of? 
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. 
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in themiddle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. 
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. 
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. 
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. 
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right? 
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. 
Milk is illegal. 
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. 
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. 
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. 
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas. 
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. 

Overseas readers, We do have a few poisonousness snakes in Au, but we do not have rattlesnakes

Rules of Rural Queensland

Rules of Rural Queensland 
ARE AS FOLLOWS 
Listen up City Slickers ! 
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked. 
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road...' I drive a ute because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 
4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Pacific Highway goes to New South Wales and the Newell Highway goes the same way and continues to Victoria. Pick one. 
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in rural Queensland waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 
7. If that mobile phone rings while a mob of big Kangaroos or wild pigs are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 
8. Yes, we eat steak and chips, chops and chips and sausage and chips and they DO come with BBQ or Tomato sauce. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of hunting season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & chicken. 
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and tomato sauce. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Canberra call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! 
13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. 
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 
15. The local League and High School Football is as important here as the Storm and the Roosters, and more fun to watch.
16. Yes, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it scares the fish.
17. Church schools? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Private Universities , Community Colleges, and TAFE Colleges. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
18. We have a whole ton of our finest youngsters in the Army, Navy and Air Force. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.
20. 2 inches of rain isn't a monsoon - it's a blessing... Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This isn't Melbourne, worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The creeks and rivers will be down again in a few hours. If not the SES  will come and get you


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